Train Wreck

Well here I am again....and I feel giving updates have been a failure because nothing has happened.

I went to the doctor on Thursday the 28th because I was bleeding for 17 days straight.  I went in and they did an ultrasound.  Then I had to wait for the doctor to call me back.  It really sucked because there was this doctor that didn't know anything about me or my history and he was filling in for my doc.  I wasn't happy about it.

He said they were gonna check my blood levels and hormones and see what's up.  I ended up getting a prescription for iron pills again since I'm bleeding all the time.  He said they will call me letting me know what to do once my results come back.  I got blood done and left.

Few hours later I got a call from the assistant there and she told me to start Clomid again and come in on the 4th....I was so confused but was like "oookaay.."  ..I asked her if it would make me stop bleeding, all she said was she didn't know.  Well, thanks for the help...why do you work there again?  She calls me back like 5 minutes later and says change of plan, No clomid (that's what I thought...), but she told me to wait till my cycle start again and call back on the first day....WTF.  I have been bleeding for almost a month now and you tell me that??  How the hell will I know, this is not going to stop, it's gonna be like before.

Today I got a call from Michael, we talked for a few and I completely lost it, and I think it shocked him at first but he understood...and I didn't mean to, I mean he was at work.  I just told him in between sobs that I am tired of wasting our money on tampons because I just went through TWO full boxes in less than a week and toilet paper.  Since I'm always running to the bathroom, we had to scrounge coins out of tiny spaces to buy toilet paper because of my issue.  I'm tired of having to worry about going swimming or losing this bloat in my stomach.  I'm so sick of going to the pool because I know HE wants to (as do I, but CAN'T) and getting out and running every five minutes to check if I'm leaking and getting blood in the pool and being embarrassed.  I'm tired of it all!  I'm tired of sitting there and having to move my leg just a little and have to jump up to run to the bathroom and worrying about if I stained the couch, the floor, my pants or the car seat....if anyone can see my stain, or is it running down my leg? It is THAT bad even with a tampon...only the tampon allows me a little but of stalling...

I told him all of that crying my eyes out and he doesn't know what to do and I feel so bad...but he does his best, but he has to go, he's at work of course.  When I get off the phone, let me tell you...I have NEVER cried that hard before.  I squeezed my Zoey and I cried and cried, and I was loud and I didn't care...I was in so much pain.  SIX years and now it's coming back and nobody is understanding me, nobody is helping me.  Honestly, I want a baby so bad, MY OWN baby so bad...but I cannot take it anymore.  I laid there and begged to God to help me.  I was crying so hard I was screaming...I just kept saying I'm sorry whenever I could breath..

What about Mike?  Why can't we live like any normal couple?  Go ahead, say it.  Sex.  Why can't we be happy?!  This is the hardest decision I will ever have to make, get rid of it all and be semi-happy, or suffer my whole DAMN life and MAYBE have a baby when I'm like 80?? 

I'm starting to become a train wreck again so I need to go and hopefully all the crying will help me pass out.